Whether your parents are aging or you are the senior of the family, this autobiography is both a guide and a cautionary tale about moving in with the kids.
When reading this haunting and substantive memoir, two other books came to mind: A Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion and Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. Didion wrote a pretty, lyrical book about death. Albom wrote about the decline and loss of a mentor. They were both sweet and pretty books. Carol O’Dell’s memoir, Mothering Mother, is a more realistic, gritty book than either one of those two. O’Dell cared for her adoptive mother, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, in her home after her mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. In addition, like many Parkinson’s patients, her mother suffered from dementia, which complicated her care. O’Dell knew that her mother wanted “a home passing,” rather than to die in a nursing home or hospice, so O’Dell did her best, often on three hours of sleep and emotionally strung out. In the end, O’Dell did not opt to prolong her 92-year-old, demented, sick mother’s life with a feeding tube, a decision that is sure to ignite controversy.
Decisions about Parents
Chances are, most of us either have parents or are the seniors ourselves. At some point, most of us will face the decisions that Carol O’Dell did, from one end of the equation or the other. Any preparation will help. This memoir is a perfect place to begin.
When Carol O’Dell’s aging, sick mother moved in with her and her family, she had no idea what she was getting herself into, especially the ramifications on her own life and her other relationships, including raising her three daughters. Caring at home for her mother, diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease, seemed for her to be the right thing to do, even though her mother required 24/7 care.
O’Dell’s mother was a special woman in her own right. She was a tall redhead, probably six feet tall, and a firebrand minister for the Assembly of God church. She said that she was going to preach until God came back and took over for Himself. Noveline and her husband, Philip, adopted Carol when Carol was four.
This memoir is a “battlefield diary,” so to speak. It was written during the years covered, not years afterward and after reflection. It is immediate and episodic rather than dreamy and essay-like. Some scenes echo with a resonance that a fiction writer can only envy. The two bath scenes, for instance, show the ends of the spectrum of caring for an aging parent. One was a good day, where it took all of Carol’s physical strength to bathe her mother, who was serene and happy for the bath. The other, was in the middle of the night, her mother had awakened, she was covered in feces, and O’Dell didn’t want anyone else to see her mother so shamed, so she scrubbed her clean even though her mother fought her with demented strength born of not understanding what is happening to you.
Parts of this book are also ridiculously funny, especially scenes where O’Dell gets the short end of the stick from her still formidable and dominating mother.
Passing
In the end, O’Dell did not have a feeding tube installed to prolong her mother’s life, a hard decision, and one that I don’t envy. She describes her mother’s passing as “slow,” and within the pages of the book it seems to take forever, and the reader ends up both longing for it and dreading it, which tears the reader’s heart out and must have been exactly was O’Dell was feeling at the time. The passage where O’Dell prays for the angels to be swift is heart-wrenching.
Although this book is, in some places, emotionally difficult to read, it’s a beautiful book about coming to terms with the death of a loved one. It’s cathartic, and never morbid.
My own mother has often mentioned that there’s something to be said for a nice, clean heart attack. Amen, and pass the bacon.
If you’d like to write your own memoir, try this article.
Author of RABID, A Novel. Now available.
