Review-The Girls Who Went Away
A Moving Account of Women who Gave up Babies for Adoption
The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade ---dispels many myths.
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler is an eye-opening and very touching book which includes personal interviews with many women of the post-war era of the 1950s through the early 1970s who gave their babies up for adoption. The book dispels quite a few myths.
One such myth is that women who gave their babies up for adoption were “bad girls”, promiscuous and irresponsible. Most of the women interviewed were very inexperienced, Many had only one sex partner, and it was lack of knowledge about sex that got them into trouble.
Another commonly held misbelief is that the majority of the young women who went to homes for unwed mothers during that era willingly gave their babies up for adoption. Most of the women interviewed appeared to have been influenced by the social pressures of the times, both from their families and from the adoption agency, to relinquish their child with little regard for their own feelings and maternal instinct. In most cases the decision that they would relinquish the baby was already made for them and they felt pressured by the family and the agency into signing the adoption papers.
In some cases the young girls were “guilt-tripped” by being told they were unfit to be a mother and that they would ruin their families and the life of the baby if they selfishly chose to keep their child rather than give it up for adoption. In some instances, they were told by their parents they could not return home if they chose to keep the child. Without monetary support, a teenager keeping a child without financial aid during that time era would have been impossible.
It is also assumed by many that unwed mothers in the 1950s and 1960s had little support from the father of the child. While it is true that in a good number of cases the father totally abandoned the girl once she became pregnant, quite a few of the women reported that the father of the child also wanted to keep the baby, but financial reasons or pressure from their families prevented them from marriage at such a young age.
It is hard to believe that only a short time ago getting pregnant before marriage was such a social stigma. Conformity was at a high and parents feared social isolation and even job loss if the news of a pregnant daughter got out. A double standard existed. The daughter was expelled from school as soon as news of her condition was learned, but the boy received little or no punishment. It was somehow perceived that the entire situation was the girl’s fault.
Young girls who had led sheltered, pampered lives expressed the trauma of being suddenly ostracized, separated and seemingly abandoned by their families by being sent to a home for unwed mothers. Most of them endured painful labor alone, and some were treated coldly by hospital staff. Many of them barely knew the facts of life, or how they had ended up in this situation. Almost all the adoptive mothers mentioned feeling rage and helplessness that lasted most of their lives.
Some of the girls were allowed very limited access to the baby they had just given birth to for fear they would get attached to it and refuse to sign the adoption papers. Many young women held their baby only once. Others were given up to eight days to feed and care for the infant. In many cases, they were almost coerced into signing the legal papers. Some were berated and told they did not deserve a child. Others reported being threatened by the agency with having to assume the cost of board and labor fees if they did not relinquish the child. However, if they did sign the papers, these services were free. Agencies also withheld information on welfare and financial aid that was then available to single mothers. There appeared to be an alternative motive in the case of some of the adoption agencies, who all of a sudden had a great demand for adoptive infants.
These young girls were expected to give birth and return home as if nothing had ever happened, but the birth and loss of a baby was a traumatic event with long-lasting consequences. Many of the women reported feelings of emptiness, low self esteem, and difficulty having relationships that lasted throughout their lifetime. Some reacted by becoming desperate to marry and have another child, one they could keep. Others decided to never have another child.
Many of the mothers looked up their children once the child turned twenty-one, or in many cases the child made an effort to be reunited with the birth mother. In most cases, this provided needed closure for both mother and child, for many of the adopted children believed their mother gave them away because they did not want them, while most of the mothers felt they were powerless and were unable to fight for their right to keep them.
This book points out the irony of the way unplanned pregnancy was viewed only a few decades ago as compared to contemporary times when pregnant women can receive financial help, counseling, and are able to take an active choice in whether or not they will keep their baby.
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